January 29, 2022

“He doesn’t like you anymore,”
whispers the voice inside my head.
I try my best to drown it out
and believe that it’s not true.

“He doesn’t spend time with you anymore,”
says the voice inside my head.
I cover my ears, hum a song,
and think of my last conversation with you.

“He’s gotten what he’s wanted,”
shouts the voice inside my head.
I curl in on myself as my heart hurts
and try to stop the tears from falling.

“He probably never really liked you,”
whispers the voice inside my head.
I stare at the ceiling as I nod my head
and whisper back, “yeah, maybe you’re right”.

October 29, 2021

Every relationship starts like this:
“Here,” I say as I hold out my heart.
“Please take care of it.”
And by that I mean please take care of me.

Every relationship continues like this:
“This is me,” I say as I open up to them.
“I hope you like who I am.”
And by that I mean I hope I’m enough.

Every relationship ends like this:
“I’ll be ok,” I say as I hold my head down.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t enough.”
And by that I mean I’m sorry I’m never enough.

And the cycle begins anew.

October 27, 2021

You’d think I’d have learned by now
to guard my heart from hurting,
to quit trusting in people,
because they all eventually leave.

They look at me and find me wanting.
Think there’s something wrong with me.
Decide I’m not worth knowing.
And when I look at myself in the mirror,
I start to think that maybe they’re right.

October 27, 2013

My heart drops as I watch him laugh at something she whispers in his ear, his arm around her waist. I don’t want to watch them flaunt their happiness – it’s not like they’re not allowed to do that; it is a free country after all – but my gaze is stuck on them.

My smile must have faltered because my friend looks in their direction and turns back to me with a concerned look.

“Are you okay?” she asks. She’s one of the few people who knows about my feelings.

I manage a weak smile and nod my head. “I’m fine. That’s just something I’m going to have to get used to.”

My friend just smiles back at me and launches into another story. I’m thankful for her lack of prying and for her effort to get my mind off the couple across the room. I don’t think I can take talking about him when I see him happy with her.

I tell myself I shouldn’t be this hurt. I mean, I’ve always known that he liked her. It’s not like I expected he’d like me back. I knew I had no chance. But when he called me, telling me that she said yes to him, it was only then that I realized that I wanted a chance.

To be with him.

To be the girl beside him, making him smile.

October 23, 2013

She’s not coming back. My heart refuses to believe it but it’s been three months. If she missed us, she would’ve been back by now. But she’s not. And it’s all my fault.

I don’t blame her if she hates me. And I’m sure she does. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have been so callous as to tell everyone that she wasn’t coming back through an email. How could I have been so stupid to hurt her like that? She finally trusted me and I throw that trust back in her face. She doesn’t deserve that. And I don’t deserve her. Not then, definitely now now, maybe not ever.

I don’t know how to move on from this. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I do her. It’s been taking all I have to pretend to be alright. To smile and joke and be myself. If I could, I’d stay at home drowning myself in despair and alcohol. But that doesn’t appeal to me anymore. Not since she entered my life.

She makes me want to try to reach for my dreams. Because she believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. Even when I haven’t done anything to deserve that belief. And that’s all I can do right now. To continue working towards my goal. To prove to her and to myself that she was right to believe in me.

October 12, 2013

She turned at the sound of his laugh and spotted him across the plaza. Her heart swelled, her lips curled in a smile, and her breath caught as snippets of memories from the summer of the past year raced through her mind.

Fingers interlaced as they walked through the town. Afternoons at the beach, building sand castles while waiting for the sun to set. Her room as they talked and laughed until they fell asleep next to each other. Ice cream at the plaza, watching the other children playing.

A silent wish made on a shooting star.

A promise whispered in the dark of night.

A short note inserted in a book for him to find.

A soft kiss on her cheek as they said goodbye.

With a grin, she started to cross the street to reach him. She stopped — her smile fading, her heart dropping — when he turned to the girl beside him, whispered in her ear, and gave her a short kiss on the lips. She saw him turning towards her direction and her feet moved on instinct. She took one step back, staring at his profile for one more second, then ran in the opposite direction.

She hoped he didn’t notice her. She hoped he wouldn’t recognize her. She couldn’t face him. Not now. Not with her tears threatening to fall. Not with her heart shattering in a million pieces.

October 08, 2013

He froze as soon as he saw them. Dancing a waltz in the ballroom, lost in the inaudible music they kept in time to. The only two people in the dim light of the moon shining through the windows. He should leave. He really should. He was intruding. This felt too intimate for him to witness. But his feet were rooted to the spot, his eyes glued to the scene before him. His mind silenced as his heart plummeted.

He waited to hear the sound of his heart breaking.

They stopped dancing and after a few more seconds of silence, their lips met in a kiss. The sight shocked him into action. He took slow, silent steps back until he was sure he could escape without being heard. And then he ran. Out the door, destination unknown.

Anywhere. As long as it was away.

From her.

From him.

From them.

Together.

Kissing.

In an empty ballroom in the middle of the night.

He kept running, barely registering the chilly autumn air. His legs were screaming in pain, his lungs were burning from the lack of air. And when his body couldn’t take it anymore, he collapsed. On the ground, trembling in the cold, overwhelmed by the sobs that rocked his body.

October 06, 2013

I want to stay. I do.

But every time I see you, every time I close my eyes, every time I think of you, I remember. Your arms around him, holding so tightly. Your lips pressed on his. Your eyes, soft and affectionate, as you gaze at him. My eyes open wide in surprise. My foot halted in mid-step. My breath rushing out of my lungs. My heart breaking ringing in my ears in that dark silent hallway.

I want to tell you how I feel but I already know what you’ll say. You’ll tell me we’ll still be friends. That you’ll still love me. Just not in the same way as I do you. So I won’t say anything. Because even though I know how you feel, I don’t want to hear those words from you.

And that’s why I have to go. I know that if I stay, I’ll blurt out my true feelings for you. And somehow destroy our friendship. Because I can’t be around you and know that you don’t feel the same. I can’t see you with him without my heart suffering. As much as I can’t imagine not having you in my life, I know that I won’t survive this heartbreak if I stay by your side.

And maybe someday, when I’ve grown stronger, when my feeling for you have dimmed, I’ll come back.

February 25, 2012

I lie awake,
restless,
mind wandering,
(more like racing)
unable to settle
on a single thought.

The night held
a bizarre air
and I felt tipped off-balance
as emotions
– sadness, guilt, despair –
seeped through me.

What I would give
to be nestled
safely in your arms
and if I could
stop all the clocks,
make that perfect moment last.

But I can’t cancel, delete, erase
what’s already done.
So I labor to try
to be more elastic,
learn to make the best
of the here and now.

February 21, 2012

“Stop that Chael,” she whispered, placing a soft hand on his shoulder.

Chael looked at her, his eyes filled with hope and sadness. “Stop what?”

“Don’t play dumb with me. You know what I mean,” she chastised.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Alexa shook her head, tired of having the same conversation with him. “All this hoping and expecting is blinding you to the fact that Drew and Charlotte love each other. Deeply. And there’s nothing you can do to ruin that.”

Chael sighed and closed his eyes. “I know. Even if she has already moved on, I haven’t. I still love her.”

“But you don’t have to spend all your time waiting for that second chance that is not going to come.”

“I don’t do that,” Chael protested weakly, knowing that what he was saying was a lie. Alexa just raised an eyebrow at this, a small grin forming on her lips. He knew that she didn’t buy his bluff. “Ok, fine. I do do that. But you can’t blame me. I still think about her – her angelic laugh, her bright smile, her soft lips – ”

“Whoa there! Spare me the details,” Alexa interrupted, giggling softly, trying to lighten the mood. Hearing Chael chuckle, she took his hand and tugged at it as she started to walk towards the exit. “I’m not saying that you can’t think about her. I’m just saying that maybe you can find something else productive to do. You haven’t written a new song since you guys broke up. Maybe it’s time to foster your creativity and start writing again.”

“Maybe you’re right,” he whispered, lyrics already starting to form in his mind. Chael squeezed Alexa’s hand and smiled as they stepped out the door.