I downloaded this new app on my iPhone called Visual Poet. To “test” it, I decided to write a short freewrite using pictures I took of the sky as the background. It’s a pretty nice app. I think I might be able to use it again.
Anyway, I’m calling this Drink to Life. I know I don’t normally name my freewrites but the name popped in my head and it was too good not to use. Enjoy! 
♥ Garnet
I lie awake,
restless,
mind wandering,
(more like racing)
unable to settle
on a single thought.
The night held
a bizarre air
and I felt tipped off-balance
as emotions
- sadness, guilt, despair -
seeped through me.
What I would give
to be nestled
safely in your arms
and I could
stop all the clocks,
make that perfect moment last.
But I can’t cancel, delete, erase
what’s already done.
So I labor to try
to be more elastic,
learn to make the best
of the here and now.
“Stop that Chael,” she whispered, placing a soft hand on his shoulder.
Chael looked at her, his eyes filled with hope and sadness. “Stop what?”
“Don’t play dumb with me. You know what I mean,” she chastised.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Alexa shook her head, tired of having the same conversation with him. “All this hoping and expecting is blinding you to the fact that Drew and Charlotte love each other. Deeply. And there’s nothing you can do to ruin that.”
Chael sighed and closed his eyes. “I know. Even if she has already moved on, I haven’t. I still love her.”
“But you don’t have to spend all your time waiting for that second chance that is not going to come.”
“I don’t do that,” Chael protested weakly, knowing that what he was saying was a lie. Alexa just raised an eyebrow at this, a small grin forming on her lips. He knew that she didn’t buy his bluff. “Ok, fine. I do do that. But you can’t blame me. I still think about her – her angelic laugh, her bright smile, her soft lips – “
“Whoa there! Spare me the details,” Alexa interrupted, giggling softly, trying to lighten the mood. Hearing Chael chuckle, she took his hand and tugged at it as she started to walk towards the exit. “I’m not saying that you can’t think about her. I’m just saying that maybe you can find something else productive to do. You haven’t written a new song since you guys broke up. Maybe it’s time to foster your creativity and start writing again.”
“Maybe you’re right,” he whispered, lyrics already starting to form in his mind. Chael squeezed Alexa’s hand and smiled as they stepped out the door.
“I love you.”
He stopped, surprised by the words that hung in the air. “What did you say?” he asked, looking into her eyes.
“I love you,” she repeated, shyly smiling at him.
He could feel a grin forming on his lips but he tried to fight it. “Do you mean that?”
Her nod was all he needed.
He looked at the woman sleeping snuggled against him. Thoughts of his past, of her, came unbidden. It was unfair to the woman beside him – that his thoughts were always on her – but what they had, it wasn’t special. It was all flesh and sweat and empty feelings. Completely different from her. Everything was different with her.
Pain cut his heart like a razor. He regretted leaving her in the guise of needing that illusion of control. I could never see that I’ve always had control. Even if he wanted to get her back now, he knew that it was virtually impossible. Apart from not seeing her in years, he didn’t deserve her. Not when he left her because of his selfishness.
“Look into my eyes and tell me you’re not going to regret this.”
He hesitated, but he looked at her and held her gaze. “I won’t regret this. This,” he paused, trying to find the words he wanted to say. “I need this. I want to be able to someday say ‘This is the life I wanted’ and I feel like this is the only way for that to happen.”
She turned towards the ceiling and heaved a heavy sigh.
He closed his eyes, letting all the pain and regret flood his being. Feeling sleepiness creep into his mind, he surrendered to it, hoping that dreams didn’t haunt him tonight.
One glimpse diary. Just one glimpse to take me back to square one.
I saw him yesterday. He was with a girl, laughing, holding hands. I held my breath, waiting for him to look up and see me. As they passed me, I heaved a sigh. They didn’t notice me. He didn’t notice me.
I still can’t decide whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.
On one hand, it was a painful reminder that he didn’t care for me any more. After all, I noticed him even though he was walking behind me that time. It wasn’t his laugh or his voice that alerted me because I was listening to the music in my iPod. All I felt was a jolt of realization that he was near me. And as I looked back, I was greeted by the sight of him, alighting the escalators.
On the other, I’m glad they he didn’t see me. I can’t imagine how awkward that situation would have been. Would he have been embarrassed? Would he have smiled? Would he have acquainted me with his new girl?
I didn’t even know there was someone new. When I saw the girl holding his hand, I felt a surge of sadness come over me. I stood there, waiting until they were out of my sight before I moved. Even though I had to go forward, I turned back and headed the other way. I walked aimlessly around the mall, praying I didn’t run into him again.
I felt detached from my emotions as I wandered. It was a blessing of sorts — to be numb and not have the urge to just break down. I didn’t want to lose it in the middle of those strangers, all of whom would probably have given me weird looks if I suddenly collapsed and cried. It also allowed me to think about other mundane things: what else did I need to buy, what route should I pass to avoid traffic, what could I buy for dessert?
I don’t remember buying the groceries. The next thing I remember was getting in the car, ready to leave the mall. I was able to hold in all my tears until I reached the house. As soon as I was inside the sanctuary of my room, I cried.
I’ve been able to pretend all this time that I was okay, that I was moving on. But I couldn’t pretend any more. Not when I knew that he had already moved on.
I’m glad I have no plans today. Because today, I’m going cry my heart out. Let out all the hurt and pain and anger and confusion and sorrow that’s inside me. Today, I’m not going to pretend. I’m taking off my mask, the happy one I put on everyday to try and cope with the loss of him. Just for today, I’m staying right here on square one.
After all, tomorrow is another day. A new day when I can try again.
~ ♥ ~
Author’s Note: Just in case you might be mistaken, this isn’t a personal diary entry. Today’s freewrite is just in that style.
I’m drowning, suffocating,
trapped in this bubble
of heartache and sorrow
that keeps on flowing.
Broken and confused,
I’m lost in my thoughts,
just drifting along
this place you left me.
Every movement feels awkward,
like I’m constantly lumbering,
trying to find somewhere
I could just curl up and cry.
What we have is gone.
Torn apart.
Wrecked.
Disposed.
And it’s over too fast,
leaving me stuck here all alone
wondering what happened and
where I went wrong.
I did my best not to freak out. I might’ve given the impression that this was all right but, honestly, I was scared. I knew Zack was a vampire; not one of much if Worcestershire was telling the truth. Still. Even though I’ve already decided to trust him — regardless of the fact that we’ve only met the day before — I couldn’t shake off my fear. That sliver of dread was making me antsy. My mind kept imagining all the ways that this could go wrong. Obviously, the worst of them was Zack accidentally draining me dry. I had to fight the urge to beat up Zack, my body telling me that it didn’t want to be vampire food.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” I heard Zack whisper. I shivered, his breath tickling the side of my neck. He was hesitant to do this; I could hear it in his voice. That thought calmed me.
I closed my eyes and relaxed. “I’m sure.”
I barely flinched as Zack’s teeth pricked my neck. I could feel my body slowly weaken as he sipped my blood; I would’ve collapsed on the floor if he didn’t hug me to him. My mind was starting to drift off when I felt Zack lick my neck. If I had full grasp of my faculties, I’m sure I would’ve smacked him on the head but I was barely conscious as it was.
“Maeve? Maeve? Are you okay?”
I heard the panic in his voice and I forced myself to look at him and nod. “I think so. Help me lie down?”
Zack was pretty strong despite his lanky frame. He picked me up and carried me bridal style. “I’m sorry Maeve. I may have drank too much.”
I felt myself smile. “Is that all there is?” attempting to assuage his feelings. I heard him chuckle and my smile widened. My eyes felt heavy though and I knew I had to send them home. I wasn’t going to be able to be much help in my state any way. “I’m okay Zack. I think I need to sleep now so feel free to leave the way you came in.” I closed my eyes and snuggled closer to him, my heart knowing that I could trust him.
“Good night then Maeve.” he whispered, landing a soft kiss on my forehead.
As soon as Zack lay me down on my bed, I drifted off to sleep.
“I hate you!”
The words reveberated in my ear, stunning me and rendering me speechless. My heart constricted in pain; the brutality of his tone left no doubts in my mind that he meant what he said. All I could do was stand there and stare as he stomped away. As soon as he was out of my sight, my legs felt like jelly and I crumpled to the floor as tears ran down my cheeks.
I don’t know how long I stayed there just crying my heart out. Once the tears stopped and I regained some of my composure, I trudged to my room to hide. Thankfully, my brother hasn’t come home yet to see what happened. I don’t want him to pity me. The truth of the matter is, how ever painful it is to admit, this whole fiasco is my fault. I betrayed his trust. It was accidental but I still can’t blame him for how he feels.
I collapsed on my bed, drained from the confrontation with him. I contemplated how much time I’d give myself to feel sullen before working to repair the damage I’d done. Not a lot of time I figured. After all, I didn’t deserve to have a reprieve; it was my fault. I had to fix things as soon as possible. It was the only way to make it up to him.
As I was drifting off to sleep, I heard the faint ring of my brother’s cellphone outside my door. The last words I could hear from my brother’s side of the conversation was, “Where? Who? When? Wait for me. I’ll be there in a few.” I briefly wondered who he was talking to and what about as his tone sounded a bit frantic, but both my heart and mind were too exhausted to care at the moment. I fell into a thankfully dreamless sleep.
“What are you doing?” she asked as music started streaming from the speakers.
Come fly with me,
Let’s fly, let’s fly away.
He turned to her and offered his hand. “Dance with me,” he invited, a nervous smile on his lips.
She could only stare at him, unable to process what was happening. Seeing that she wasn’t about to take his hand, he took her hand softly in his and lead her to the free space in the room. Once there, he stopped but didn’t let go of her hand yet.
“I know you’re confused but just listen to me.”
She nodded imperceptively, the only reaction her still stunned mind could manage at the moment.
Seeing her nod, he took a deep breath and turned towards her. “You’ve been,” he paused, looking for the right word to use, “complaining about not knowing how to slow dance. And telling me that it’s the only reason you refuse to go to prom.”
She blinked, as a way of showing that she was processing what he was saying.
“So I thought that I could teach you.”
That brought her back to attention and she looked at him, the confusion lifting from her eyes. Her lips slowly curled upwards into a smile as her cheeks tinged with pink. “Really? You’re really going to teach me?”
He was suddenly overcome with nervousness, not wanting to mess up in front of her. He let go of her hand and clasped his hands together as he looked away. “Well, I can’t teach you any of those fancy-shmancy dancing like the tango or what ever. But I think I can manage to teach you to slow dance.”
Her grin widened and she took both of his hands in hers. “Thank you!” she exclaimed, truly happy and touched by his gesture.
The excitement in her tone lifted some of the nervousness he felt and he looked back at her. He was taken aback by her radiant smile and he was rendered speechless for a moment. Recovering, he smiled at her and said, “you’re welcome.”
Come fly with me,
Let’s fly, let’s fly,
Pack up, let’s fly away.
“No! I don’t!”
Shoot. I am not going to be exposed because of a stupid freudian slip. I need to be more careful. I didn’t don’t want them to know I like him. I wasn’t even aware that he’s been occupying my mind so much that I would have a freudian slip. No. Not a freudian slip. Two freudian slips.
“He waved at us and my brain just inserted his name into my train of thought.”
It’s a good thing I can make excuses right now but I won’t be able to keep this up for long. I just know I’ll slip up sooner or later and I won’t have any excuses to hide behind. I’m not good at hiding my feelings; I wear my heart on my sleeves. One day, someone’s bound to notice it when I inwardly squeal when he speaks to me, when my grin widens when he smiles at me, when I stare at him with a dreamy look in my eyes when he’s not looking.
“It’s not him.”
It’s not like I’m hopeful he’ll like me back. I know I’m not his type. Also, there are so many other girls around us who are prettier than me, funnier than me, more fun to hang with than me, generally better than me in all aspects. I’m so normal. Plain. But I can’t help liking him. Apart from the fact that he’s cute, he’s nice. And funny. He’s always available to help when you need him.
“I don’t like him.”
denieceliza